Basic Cable's Night of (Mostly) Crappy Movies
USA: "Coyote Ugly." Maybe the dumbest movie of all time. Hot, anonymous starlets acting gay as hell. I am sad to admit that I actually saw this piece of crap in a theater in Jersey. How was I supposed to know what I was getting myself into? I just didn't know, man!
ABC Family: "Jack Frost." Actually, this one gets my vote as the dumbest movie of all time. Michael Keaton dies, is ressurrected as a snowman, attends his son's hockey championship (the team is coached by metalhead Henry Rollins, of all people), and ultimately melts to death. I actually had this on tape at one point during college, for the simple reason that it's so amazingly stupid.
AMC Part 1: "Murder by Numbers." Sandra Bullock hunts down a gang of wily teenagers as they commit a string of murders. I couldn't reach for the controller fast enough.
AMC, Part 2: "The Philadelphia Story." Not really much you can say to bag on this one, as it's resoundingly considered a classic. That being said, it takes an awful lot for me to get geared up to watch a black-and-white romantic comedy--namely, a bottle of hard liquor, plus a cute and insistent girl. Katherine Hepburn plays a woman named Tracy Lord, which makes me wonder if, under all that 40s/50s/60s air of propriety, she was half the dirty sex muffin that Traci Lords was. (Ebert I ain't.)
FX: "Anger Management." As one might expect from the title, this film contains a ton of screaming and slapstick comedy, and includes a bad love story just so there's something for everybody. Watching Adam Sandler take down a cop on the field at Yankee Stadium is worth the price of admission, even if the ensuing speech to Sandra Bullock is nauseatingly sappy, and the movie itself nauseatingly crappy.
There were a number of other bad movies on, but I gave up channel-surfing pretty quickly. Luckily, MLBtv.com was re-broadcasting Game 6 of the 1991 World Series, in which Kirby Puckett blasted a Charlie Leibrandt circle change into deep center field in the 11th inning to force Game 7. It was sweet relief from a night that would have otherwise been spent watching a bad movie with commercial interruptions, or else finishing up my off-season baseball reading list. Thank God (and Al Gore) for the Internet.
ABC Family: "Jack Frost." Actually, this one gets my vote as the dumbest movie of all time. Michael Keaton dies, is ressurrected as a snowman, attends his son's hockey championship (the team is coached by metalhead Henry Rollins, of all people), and ultimately melts to death. I actually had this on tape at one point during college, for the simple reason that it's so amazingly stupid.
AMC Part 1: "Murder by Numbers." Sandra Bullock hunts down a gang of wily teenagers as they commit a string of murders. I couldn't reach for the controller fast enough.
AMC, Part 2: "The Philadelphia Story." Not really much you can say to bag on this one, as it's resoundingly considered a classic. That being said, it takes an awful lot for me to get geared up to watch a black-and-white romantic comedy--namely, a bottle of hard liquor, plus a cute and insistent girl. Katherine Hepburn plays a woman named Tracy Lord, which makes me wonder if, under all that 40s/50s/60s air of propriety, she was half the dirty sex muffin that Traci Lords was. (Ebert I ain't.)
FX: "Anger Management." As one might expect from the title, this film contains a ton of screaming and slapstick comedy, and includes a bad love story just so there's something for everybody. Watching Adam Sandler take down a cop on the field at Yankee Stadium is worth the price of admission, even if the ensuing speech to Sandra Bullock is nauseatingly sappy, and the movie itself nauseatingly crappy.
There were a number of other bad movies on, but I gave up channel-surfing pretty quickly. Luckily, MLBtv.com was re-broadcasting Game 6 of the 1991 World Series, in which Kirby Puckett blasted a Charlie Leibrandt circle change into deep center field in the 11th inning to force Game 7. It was sweet relief from a night that would have otherwise been spent watching a bad movie with commercial interruptions, or else finishing up my off-season baseball reading list. Thank God (and Al Gore) for the Internet.
posted by Pat at 8:42 PM
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