Access Retardation

Why are so many people addicted to celebrity 'news' magazines? Who the hell cares if Jude Law is fucking his nanny or getting back together with his girlfriend? I know the answer is "women care," but why do women care? The last thing I think of when Maria Sharapova comes to mind is who she's fucking, aside from the fact that I wish it were me. My sisters argue that celebrity watching is the female equivalent of sports, but that's completely ridiculous. I don't know what Michael Barrett does with his free time and, frankly, I could give a shit, so long as it doesn't negatively effect his ability to throw, catch, hit, and run. Athletes hone special skills at which other people marvel; the same could be said of actors, but only if you're watching him or her in the act of performing.

Yet these ridiculous magazines and television shows almost exclusively showcase stars away from work. Well, who the fuck cares?! "Lindsay Lohan went to Starbucks, then bought a bunch of shit she doesn't need at Prada." Big fucking deal! How is that any different than my typical day? "Pat's brother came over to his apartment, then they met Murton at Third Coast Cafe for dinner." Substituting Carson Daly's name for mine shouldn't justify transforming common events into three minutes of network programming.

How do the producers expect us to respond to these idiotic non-stories anyway? Surprise? Incredulity? Or are they some sort of motivational tool for the serverely retarded? "If Sarah Jessica Parker can do mundane bullshit, you can too!" If Marx regarded religion as a drug, imagine the fine things he'd have to say about "Access Hollywood."

Celebrity is beyond fucking stupid.