You've Got to Be Kidding Me

I was sitting around the other day, wondering what caused the city to do such an atypically poor job clearing the snow of this past week's blizzard (answer: graft), when suddenly it struck me: I know next to nothing about gay cowboys.

So I surfed the Web for a while, and learned that gay cowboys are a terribly misunderstood subculture. For example, did you know that some of them hate assless chaps? Or that gay cowboys aren't attracted to bulls because bulls are men too? Or that it wasn't the loneliness of the open range that made them gay cowboys, but that they were born to be both gay and cowboys? I was completely floored by these findings.

I wondered why I hadn't given much thought to the gay cowboy lifestyle before. Maybe it's because I'm revolted by the thought of guys having sex with each other, or because I prefer to avoid nature whenever possible. But I kept researching anyway, because everybody knows that if you're not open-minded, you're some kind of dinosaur, most likely of the sexist, racist, or chauvinist variety--a Republican, by some estimations.

After a while, I got to wondering: Why has it taken Hollywood so long to make a serious, non-porn drama about gay cowboys? I bet an idea this cutting edge would create its own audience. Gay cowboys and wannabes would start popping up all over the place--commercials, billboards, suburban shopping malls. It could be the next big thing--FUBU for white folks.

Of course, not one word of this entire post is true, which hopefully goes without saying. But, if you'd like to know why I felt the need to make gay cowboys the target of my sarcasm, click here and discover why Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal are now officially off the list.