Would You Like Fries With That?

They never tear out of the batter's box.

They never take the extra base.

They lay down sacrifice bunts with one out.

They waste 250 at-bats on .200 hitters.

They give broken-down rejects like this guy multi-year, multi-million dollar contracts.

They'll probably consider re-signing this guy because he does a great job of making excuses for poor results.

They hire surly, chromosomally-deficient sewer-dwellers as ushers and security guards.

They market themselves to dilholes who hold up signs proclaiming, "Best B-Day Present: Cubs Tickets. Second Best B-Day Present: Cubs Win."

They stopped playing Van Halen's "Jump" at the beginning of the game, and, for the in-between-innings soundtrack, replaced Dixieland jazz and baseball-related classics like John Fogerty's "Centerfield" with modern pop shit by Maroon 5 and Soul Asylum.

In nearly every way imaginable, your local McDonald's management team has more skills than that of the Chicago National League Ball Club. I cannot wait for this season to be over.