Saturday, December 24, 2005

Just Like The Old Days

I'm going up to my parents' house for the weekend, then down to Florida for all of next week. Therefore, I'm officially on Christmas break, just like back in the day.

So, if I don't see you or talk to you, you will hear from me on the other end of what I hope will be a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Stating the Obvious

The Yankess are going to destroy Boston next year.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Envy

Isn't it funny how the White Sox are finally trying to make U.S. Smellular look like a baseball park? The projects are gone; now if they could only remove the train tracks, the Dan Ryan, or IIT, they might be onto something that appeals to people with teeth.

Remember how Sox fans initially embraced the original color scheme in the park? I guess it dawned on them fifteen years after the fact that electric blue has nothing to do with the black and white of the team. We know they suck; maybe they're color-blind, too.

Wait? Don't my guys have green seats, rails, and outfield walls?

And so, therein lies a vital component of the Cubs-Sox rivalry: Real baseball is just better.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Who Knows What Could Have Been












Best of luck in the City of Angels, Nomar.

What Would GSH Do?

I am not generally a big fan of football, but I am a Chicagoan, which means that I'm a die-hard Bears fan. One of Murton's buddies was in town a few weeks ago, and he asked if Cubs and Sox fans are able to put their differences aside when it comes to rooting for the Bears. The answer is: Hell yeah we do. This is, first and foremost, a Bears town. I'm definitely more of a Cubs fan than a Bears fan, but it's pretty damn fun when the Bears are good, and they're for real this year.

I feel bad for Kyle Orton. He didn't help much, but he didn't hurt much either. Offensive coordinator Ron Turner didn't open the offense for him too often, and when he did, Orton seemed to miss vital cues. Tonight, for example, Muhsin Mohammed (who was single-covered all night) and Thomas Jones were screamingly open on multiple occasions, but Orton erred on the side of caution and threw the ball away. There's no doubt that Orton has the talent to be an NFL quarterback, but not just yet. Obviously, he's not yet capable of making the quick decisions necessary to be a starter. That being said, you have to take your cap off to the guy. He stood in there when everyone else was unavailable, took a ridiculous amount of crap from the media, and held down the fort when Rex went down and Chad Hutchinson (remember him?) proved to be a complete train wreck. Also, Orton could not have handled tonight's post-game conference with any more class or grace. I'm proud to say that Kyle Orton is a Chicago Bear.

However, something is desperately needed to jump-start the offense before the playoffs. (The Bears are going to the playoffs! Hell yeah!) Rex could be the answer, and I'm not just saying that to be Mr. Rah-Rah. The only two weaknesses on this team are quarterback and kick returner, and it looks like Rex and Berrian are capable of filling those roles. It was refreshing to watch a long bomb fly through the air, or to watch a long punt go back to the end zone, and not feel my stomach jump into my throat. Rex was on a roll in the preseason, he's got a cannon for an arm, and he looked very comfortable standing in the pocket for the first time in three months. The offensive line has given Orton all day to throw the ball, but he just didn't have the skill or knowledge of the play book to get the job done. Rex, however, appears to possess these missing components. With that offensive line; Rex's world-class arm; a nasty trifecta of halfbacks; three solid receivers in Gage, Mohammed, and Berrian; and the scariest defense in the land; the Bears might surprise the hell out of the other playoff teams and do something this January. Given the mediocrity of the NFC, the Bears have as good a shot as anybody to go to the Super Bowl.

If the Bears manage to finish 12-4 with their starting quarterback sidelined for the first 13 games, there's no question that Lovie Smith should win coach of the year. Not a doubt in my mind.

Bears football has always been about great defense and a strong running game, but it wouldn't kill them to throw the ball, if for nothing else than to stretch the field out for the run. What would Halas have done with all this talent? Throw the ball 40% of the time, continue to pound the ball on the ground with the assortment of backs, and let the defense have their way with opposing offenses. Urlacher could run for mayor at this point--better him than Jesse Jackson Jr.

The Bears are going to kick the living shit out of Green Bay this weekend. It's our time to shine, Fudge Packers! Bear down!

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Anatomy of a Sunday Afternoon

Meaningless football games.

Coffee at Starbucks.

Walk past the Newberry Library.

Can't feel my face.

Glance at Rush & Division.

Townhouses along the Gold Coast.

Old guy coughing.

Statue of Lincoln.

Jogger with a dog.

Statue of Franklin.

Broad promenade through the snowy park.

Statue of Grant.

A small field house.

Girl riding a bike.

Ice fields for skating.

High rises along Lake Shore Drive.

Shops on Oak.

Ladies with shopping bags.

Warmth of my apartment.

Calls from G-Man and my brother.

Cab to retrieve our car.

Cruise up to the 'burbs.

A relaxing afternoon.

Website Manifesto, and Announcement

Hiya, how's it goin'? I'm going to string a bunch of words together, and hopefully I can make your mind wander for a little bit. Are you ready to go?



I started a short story a few days ago that should catch everybody off guard. I'll post it when I finish it, hopefully in the next few days. It's called, "The Red Shoe."

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Cultural Divides

I can't even describe how happy I am to be sleeping in my own bed tonight.

First of all, right as I was getting out of a cab at Seamus' house, some shithead high school kids threw eggs at me. That sucked, but I was too drunk to be fazed for the moment. Then, neither Seamus nor Day were home, so I went back outside to get in a different cab. Amazingly, the egging bastards were cruising down the street really slowly, looking for the next victim of their juvenile hijinks. Thankfully, some people were taking a really, really long time to get a wasted girl out of a cab, which was parked in such a way that the street was completely blocked. So I calmly walked up to the egg mobile and gave it a solid karate kick right by the gas tank, denting the shit out of the car. The fuckers. I could hear them in the car squealing like pigs off to the slaughter, and I started laughing sadistically. I looked over and saw that, unfortunately, the rear-view mirrors were welded to the body, or else I would have definitely sent one of them flying. The kids didn't appear to feel like getting out of the car for an ass whipping, so I just walked down to Halsted and got in a cab home.

Just moments ago, I screwed a cabbie out of a tip shortly after puking all over the back seat of his car. F that guy. He was a shifty, cheerless bastard, and I'm glad I stiffed him.

I'm normally inclined to over-tip people during the month of December, unless it's some cabbie that I realize is trying to screw me. Even blatantly non-Christian Americans can expect bigger holiday tips from me. I could give a crap about your religious persuasion; that has nothing to do with it. Even if you have Arabic-script postcards taped all over (and I mean ALL over) the dashboard of your cab, first I'll call my G-Man buddy and tell him that I found someone who should appear on some list, but then I'll still throw you a few extra dollars anyway because--let's face it--Christamas stopped being solely about Jesus a long, long time ago. It's not about religion; it's about a feeling of warmth during harsh winter weather. Who cares what the politicians decide to call it, whether Season's Greetings, or Happy Holidays, or Merry Kwanzikahmas, or whatever. Let's all cope with the frost by being nice for a few weeks.

This guy tonight, though, was the Hindu version of the Grinch who stole Christmas, and I left him with some puke, a cry of "You're a dick," and zero dollars. I mean, be Christmas! Maybe watch "It's s Wonderful Life" and let's get with the program, assrag!

Look at it this way: If I lived in India, and the Indians had set aside a number of weeks dedicated to cheer and friendship, I'd be running all over the place dropping off bags of rice and water purifying tablets to friends' houses just like they probably would, if they had any rice and tablets to spare. But I'm not there. I'm in America, where your tight-bodied Hindu-American daughters grew up wanting a new BMW, taking access to fresh water for granted. So, cab drivers of Chicago and everywhere else, let's try to break down the fortress that is being an Indian (not of the Native variety) and try to pretend to have a little fun during Christmas. It's not that big of a deal, is it?

Indian girls: you're so hot, but what's with the stone face all the time? My brother apparently just enjoyed an experience of their pleasure, and I'm rather envious of the bastard for beating me to the punch. (Seamus came up with a great new nickname for him tonight, but I can't remember it. I was about ten beers deep at that point, but it was pretty funny.) The distance Indian-American princesses throw out there is so intriguing; their bodies and facial features are so appealing. Hot Indian girls fascinate me.

Mr. Cabbie Grinch: I hope you remember this next time you want to fuck me over: I'd love nothing more than to dress your hot daughter up as Mrs. Claus and make her feel all sorts of American.

Off to scrub dried egg off of my pants and coat. Bastards.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

'Tis the Season

Conversations about Chirstmas should never include the phrase "shut the f*#k up," but that's par for the course in my world.

Monday, December 12, 2005

You've Got to Be Kidding Me

I was sitting around the other day, wondering what caused the city to do such an atypically poor job clearing the snow of this past week's blizzard (answer: graft), when suddenly it struck me: I know next to nothing about gay cowboys.

So I surfed the Web for a while, and learned that gay cowboys are a terribly misunderstood subculture. For example, did you know that some of them hate assless chaps? Or that gay cowboys aren't attracted to bulls because bulls are men too? Or that it wasn't the loneliness of the open range that made them gay cowboys, but that they were born to be both gay and cowboys? I was completely floored by these findings.

I wondered why I hadn't given much thought to the gay cowboy lifestyle before. Maybe it's because I'm revolted by the thought of guys having sex with each other, or because I prefer to avoid nature whenever possible. But I kept researching anyway, because everybody knows that if you're not open-minded, you're some kind of dinosaur, most likely of the sexist, racist, or chauvinist variety--a Republican, by some estimations.

After a while, I got to wondering: Why has it taken Hollywood so long to make a serious, non-porn drama about gay cowboys? I bet an idea this cutting edge would create its own audience. Gay cowboys and wannabes would start popping up all over the place--commercials, billboards, suburban shopping malls. It could be the next big thing--FUBU for white folks.

Of course, not one word of this entire post is true, which hopefully goes without saying. But, if you'd like to know why I felt the need to make gay cowboys the target of my sarcasm, click here and discover why Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal are now officially off the list.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Top 20 Most Played iTunes

There isn't much Grateful Dead on this list, which is an indication of my fanaticism. I have 34 different versions of Dark Star, and I've listened to each one a few times. This is also true for The Other One (23 versions), Scarlet Begonias (14), Terrapin Station (13), and the sublime Mind Left Body Jam (12). The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, and The Who are likewise mostly absent, a testament to the depth of their musical accomplishments.

If you ever wondered why I think Widespread Panic is the best rock band on the active touring circuit, or why I think that many of Jerry Garcia's finest performances didn't necessarily occur as he stood alongside his Grateful Dead brethren, I recommend you get your hands on the shows that appear on this list. They're out there, and they're free. Like the song once said, you just gotta poke around.

Speaking of Shakedown Street, one Dead song slips in: An outtake of France from the Shakedown sessions. It has a steady rhythm with solid Hunter lyrics, and Donna Jean actually sings in tune. However, the legend goes that cranky Jerry started bitching at Weir for writing "some fucking disco tune," stormed out the studio in a rage, and effectively closed the book on France. To the best of my knowledge, France is the band's lone studio effort that doesn't feature Garcia. Incidentally, the album version has lead guitar tracks played by the legendary Lowell George, who produced the album, which are absent from this outtake. Admittedly, the album version does have more of a disco feel than the unfinished cut, but I bet if he hadn't been such a dick about the whole thing, Garcia could have played it into a great rock song. As it stands, it's a pretty cool oddity.

Another thing: My Morning Jacket is becoming my new favorite band. Their sound is totally incredible. It is heavy, refreshing, haunting, poetic, harmonic; or, in a dream, Phil Spector produced a Led Zeppelin album with the Beach Boys on vocals. It's been a long time since a band blew me away like this--maybe 10 years ago with Panic. Request some My Morning Jacket for Christmas and you'll thank me.

Anyway, here's my top 20 most played list, arranged in no particular order:



1 x 1 - Widespread Panic - 03/28/97 Warfield Theater, S.F.

Lonesome & A Long Way from Home > Space > Lonesome & A Long Way from Home - Jerry Garcia Band - 03/18/78b Warner Theatre, D.C.

Jam > Rock - Widespread Panic - 09/14/91 Red Rocks

I'll Be With Thee - Jerry Garcia Band - 03/18/78b Warner Theatre, D.C.

I Don't Even Know Myself - The Who - Live at the Isle of Wight Festival 08/30/70

Disco - Widespread Panic - 05/10/97 Roy Wilkins Auditorium, St. Paul Mn.

Sweet Leaf - Widespread Panic - Jackassolantern: 10/27/00 U.N.O.

Promontory Rider - Jerry Garcia Band & Robert Hunter - 02/28/80b Wilkins Theater, Union N.J.

France - Grateful Dead - Shakedown Street Outtakes

Mission in the Rain - Jerry Garcia Band - 03/18/78b Warner Theater, D.C.

The Watcher - Dr. Dre - 2001

Sweet Thing - Van Morrison - Greatest Hits

Barstools & Dreamers > Thank You Falletinme Be Mice Elf Agin > Barstools & Dreamers - Widespread Panic - 05/07/97 Palace Theater, Louisville Ky.

In the Ghetto - Elvis Presley - #1 Hits

Russian Lullaby - Jerry Garcia & David Grisman - 12/08/91 Warfield Theater, S.F.

Long Black Veil - Johnny Cash - Classic Cash

Vacation - Widespread Panic - 05/08/97 Vic Theater, Chicago

Don't Think Twice, It's All Right - Bob Dylan - Greatest Hits

That's the Touch I Like - Legion of Mary (Jerry Garcia & Merl Saunders) - 05/21/75 Keystone Korner, Berkeley Ca.

Wondering - Widespread Panic - 04/27/97 Memorial Auditorium, Burlington Vt.

Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

A question that has driven my dad nuts for years, so much so that it subsequently rubbed off on me: How the hell did the Cubs trade Lou Brock to the fuckin' Cardinals?

Am I wrong for being pumped about the Juan Pierre pick up? It's not so bad to lose Mitre. He wasn't nasty enough to be starter, and he's too young to be a wizened reliever. It's going to take a ton of innings before he really learns how to pitch, and the Cubs don't have a ton of innings to give him. The Cubs have got to get more guys on base immediately, much more than need a pitching prospect that might become a realiable entity in three years. I think I saw one of those other two guys (Nolasco & Pinto) at Spring Training once, but I can't remember. It's impossible to keep score at spring training, but maybe I should maybe make a mark of which players got in. Even that's not much help though--I remember thinking Andy Pratt looked awesome last spring, but who knows where he is now. It's weird how some guys look good, then suddenly disappear. Let's hope all three of these guys go the way of Pratt, and not Dontrelle Willis.

The Cubs had better not over-play Neifi Perez this year. He had a career year last season; that wasn't the start of a sudden upward trend. He's good, but he's getting old, and if he plays every day again this year, he's bound to get hurt. Then they'll have no choice but to give Ronny Cedeno the job, and he'll probably crack under the pressure. If they let him take 100+ at bats before the All-Star break, and bring him along steadily, they should avoid a repeat of the Corey Patterson debacle.

Dusty might freak if he has to start two rookies this year. How will this alter his sleepless wanderings? Neither Cedeno nor Matt Murton have enough at-bats to qualify for his pitcher-batter systems, so he can't concern himself with, "He's 2-for-5 against this guy at night in August." Let the kids play, dammit! A big problem with the Cubs these last two seasons, and a big reason why they flopped, is that they were always so gloomy and serious. Maybe these two kids can add a little vigor and joy to the field, and get a few winning streaks going. As Lee Elia once said, in between a frightening barrage of F-bombs, "The talent's there."

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Off-Season Update

As you know, I am not a White Sox fan. However, it will be extremely strange to go through this next summer without Frank Thomas. During his 16 years in Chicago, he earned the right to be considered one of this city's greatest sports icons. Personal feelings about the Sox aside, I've always admired Thomas's accomplishments as an individual. Few players in history produced power and average numbers with such consistency. There's no question in my mind that he's the best player in Sox history. If he doesn't make Cooperstown within the first few ballots, I'll gladly take up his case in the crazy letters I write to the various Hall of Fame selection committees in regards to Ron Santo. Frank was a true gamer.

I wish he would retire as a member of the Sox, but he won't. Apparently, he has no choice but to continue playing because he's completely broke. Divorces, bad financial advice, and an ultra-luxuriant lifestyle have a terrible way of eating through money in a hurry. For example, he built a mega-house in the western suburbs that has been described as unmarketable, because it is too big to be a house, but too small to be a hotel. Could you imagine blowing $100 million? His family should be set for generations. From a fan's perspective, it is a terrible shame that we'll have to watch this great giant's skills decline in another team's colors, when we will forever remember him in the black, white, and gray of the White Sox. Modern sport offers too many sad stories like this.

So long, Big Hurt.



As you might expect, I am very excited that the Cubs traded for Juan Pierre. It concerns me somewhat, however, that we gave up so many young arms to get him. Whatever: The deal is done. He's a lefty leadoff hitter who plays a prodigious center field, gets on base nearly every game, and has remarkable speed on the base paths. Let's forget that this description matches Corey Patterson's scouting reports of old; Pierre has shown over the last several years that he's the real deal, and he will have an immediate impact. If Lee and Ramirez each get their 500-odd turns at-bat next year, Pierre should score 100 runs, and that's a low-ball figure.

I hear rumors that the Cubs are also going after occasional problem child Milton Bradley. I have some concerns about this move as well, but then I think it might not be such a bad one. Bradley is a switch-hitter and has great skills at the plate and on the field. Maybe Dusty's "bro-buddy-man" clubhouse will negate some of Bradley's past indiscretions, and perhaps the unconditional love of Cubs Nation will have a calming influence on his sour attitude.

The Cubs 2006 Opening Day starting nine as of right now, if we get Bradley, if I were the manager:

1 Pierre L 8
2 Barrett 2
3 Lee 3
4 Ramirez 5
5 Bradley S 9
6 Murton 7
7 Walker L 4
8 Cedeno 6
9 Zambrano S 1

This is pure fantasy, of course, for two main reasons.

First, Dusty would never bat Michael Barrett 2nd. It seems like a strange idea at first, but consider Barrett as a number 2 hitter for a moment: He sees a lot of pitches; he gets on base; he hits a lot of doubles; he's reasonably fast for a catcher. (Remember, Barrett is a converted third baseman. It wouldn't seem so odd to have a third baseman batting second, but your perception totally changes when that same player becomes the catcher. I think this is absurd.) They'd never make this move, though, because it would make too much sense. Welcome to the Cubs.

Second, management has given every indication that Todd Walker is on the way out. They'll likely package him and Patterson for someone, maybe a pitcher or another outfielder. I will be very disappointed if this player turns out to be Kevin Mench. I just am not too enamored of him, and I cannot put a finger on why this is exactly, because he is capable of getting on base and appears to have a ton of upside. He just doesn't strike me as the guy we need to get the job done in the outfield, especially when Matt Murton's skills appear to be on the rise. Maybe the Cubs can instead trade Corey Patterson for Jose Vidro, assuming that the Nats would like fill the gaps in the outfield created by the departure of Brad Wilkerson and Terrmel Sledge, and both sides are likely aware that Alfonso Soriano and Vidro cannot play second base at the same time. Or, maybe the Cubs will unload the pair for Bobby Abreu, who is apparently being actively shopped by Philly. I'd be happy with either Abreu or Vidro, but not Mench. If they get Vidro, I'd move Barrett to 6th, Murton to 7th, and Vidro to 2nd. If they get Abreu, move Ramirez to 5th, and bat Abreu clean up. That's just my opinion. What do I know?



God, I love baseball so much. Even with the wind blowing sub-zero air at my face every time I step outside, thoughts of the 6-4-3 double play, guys scoring from first, and ideal pitch sequences dominate my free time. Pitchers and catchers report in roughly 70 days. I can't wait.



As I may have mentioned in an earlier post, I do not read baseball books while the season is in progress. I'll buy them from time to time over the course of the summer, but they are taken out of the store bag and placed directly onto my bookshelf, whereupon I steadfastly ignore them for months at a time. The reason for this is simple. There are millions of news stories and analyses to pour over in-season, so I can get a baseball fix whenever I please. My summer reading list includes books about history, philosophy, economics, and fiction, to provide my mind with an occasional break from baseball. Once the World Series is over, and the game feels distant and unavailable, I dive headfirst into my beloved library of baseball literature. Because I love reading and baseball with equal passion, I almost enjoy the winter as much as the season. Actually, this isn't really the case, but it's close enough to the truth to keep me from death by boredom during the long winter months of November through March.

I finished "Three Nights in August" by Buzz Bissinger on Monday night. I've heard a lot of people give it rave reviews, but I honestly didn't love it all that much. Bissinger's research skills and his level of access are extraordinary, but his writing style is not overly engaging. (When I say, "not overly engaging," I mean that not a single sentence is burned into my memory, and I feel like any decent writer could have suggested significant improvements to the flow in a number of spots. He would benefit by a new editor, or a refresher course on composition.) The story revolves around a classic Cubs-Cardinals series played at Busch Stadium, starring Tony LaRussa and his Cards as the heroes, with Dusty and the Cubbies cast as the enemies, in the throes of the 2003 pennant race. It was difficult for me as a rabid Cubs fan to read a minute deconstruction of my team from a mortal enemy's point of view, and I hated knowing that the Cards ultimately took 2 of 3 in that important series.

The most annoying thing about "Three Nights" is how Bissinger totally cops out toward the end, giving the conclusion less of a crescendo and more of a petering out effect. The third game of the series, for example, is almost totally glossed over. Also, the Cubs finished the season 1 game ahead of the Astros and 3 games ahead of the Cards, a fact which is mentioned in a very off-handed way in the morass of an epilogue that seems hurried and incoherent. Further, Bissinger fast-forwards through most of the 2004 regular season, in order to make a mostly lame comment: LaRussa was okay with getting swept by the Red Sox in the 2004 World Series, because his team played so well during the regular season. This left me wondering why Bissinger didn't write a book about the 2004 Cardinals and their run to the World Series, instead of an unnecessarily detailed snapshot from a season that suffered a rather ignominious fate. Without a doubt, the book's weak ending overshadows the better parts contained in the earlier chapters, and there's nothing worse than a story with a disappointing ending. I don't think I'll read this one again, at least not for several years.

Yesterday, I resumed my winter reading ritual with a fantastic selection: "Game Time: A Baseball Companion" by Roger Angell. It is a collection of baseball stories written since 1962, arranged by the time of year the individual stories were written. It indirectly sheds light on all these terrific moments that make the game such a treasure. Angell, who covers baseball for The New Yorker, is an absolutely beautiful writer. This book embodies the anachronistic idea of a primarily literary-oriented magazine featuring a regular sports writer. He presents baseball as worthy of love, but capable of great heartbreak. It's an adult profession, but it's a child's game. Like Spring Training, baseball matters, but it doesn't. Books as good as this one remind me that baseball is beautiful, and knowing that its glorious return is quickly impending helps me to fend off the miserable withdrawal symptoms with which I struggle each and every off-season.

Random Thought of the Day

Do you think Barry Melrose has a blind guy giving him fashion advice?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Random Thought of the Day

Andre Agassi could have snagged a much hotter chick than Steffi Graf.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Hello?

Why hasn't anyone posted any comments lately? I know you're out there, because my site counter keeps increasing. Frankly, your silence frightens me. Maybe I haven't had enough outrageous material lately. Maybe my insights have grown stale. Maybe you're all sick of me. Whatever it is, please let me know, because I sincerely welcome any and all comments. They might even spur some new post ideas, of which I have been quite short over the last couple days.

I had a really bizzare dream last night. Like most, this dream is pretty difficult to describe. It included an important meeting at which Richard Pruitt and his boss were present, an A&E special about George Lucas, and the release of the 2006 Cubs pocket schedules. It was pretty weird, but it kind of made sense to me in a shadowy way. I love dreams.

Another thing: I'm thinking about signing up for an improv comedy class. I figure, even if it doesn't help to improve my writing skills or lead to a career in entertainment, at the very least I'll meet some crazy women. Of course, I would prefer to meet some girls who are relatively sane, but they're as rare as my readers' recent comments.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Pruitt Day 33

I am not quite done thinking about the first two parts of the book, those covering the events of the morning and the afternoon. They are not parts as much as counterparts, in that they are explained by one another. Like two heads of a coin, each section is incomplete without the other, and neither can properly see the other. Everything is the same and everything is different. They balance each other in a way that is difficult to describe without reading the story entirely. I am certain of how I expect these two parts to be received. The trick lies in not making it look that way, and I am doing a very tricky so far of being a tricky storyteller.

If you read What I See regularly, you know that I never get writer's block, that I can always find something to write about. However, I've had Pruitt block for over a week now, and I discovered exactly why.

The resolution of the first part fuels for the second part. A scene takes place that alters everything about how Richard behaves in the second part. I cannot reveal what takes place at that moment in its proper chronological order. I would prefer to save it for the end of the second part, and reveal the catalyst of the story at the end of the second section. I have to do this in such a way that will force the reader to think back on, or possibly even re-read, the entire second section to gain an understanding of what exactly just happened. If I reveal the crux of the first two parts in the proper sequence, the story will be like knowing the score of a game before you watch it.

I have to come up with some mechanism to withhold this crucial situation until the end of the second part, but I would hate for the audience to feel as though I pulled a fast one on them. I have an idea as to how to accomplish this, but it's quite a rudimentary concept at this point. If it is not done with absolute effectiveness, it will completely ruin the story. So I'm taking my time with it, and nurturing it along very carefully and deliberately.

I have some preliminary ideas for the third part of the book, which tells of the evening of Rich's death, but I am posed with a struggle here as well. I have given thought to pirating a completely different story I've been contemplating for some time. I did not think I would have to do so when I started outlinig Pruitt, but the other day it dawned on how much the guy in the second story is very similar to Pruitt.

This other story was meant to be another volume important to a keystone book whose idea actually predates the Pruitt idea. Over the summer, I had a vision for a kind of story in the round. Basically, there will be several stories about the lives of different characters, and these different characters will be the main characters in a keystone story, tentatively titled "Scenes." The individual stories will intersect and overlap in the keystone story. I would prefer to write them in such a way that there will not be a suggestable order in which you ought to read the stories. By reading them all, you will understand the broader story that is only partially revealed in the keystone story.

The concept of circular novel writing has always fascinated me. I'm not sure who else has done it, or if anyone has for that matter. It could be an interesting exercise on many levels, and not just in terms of linking several good story ideas. Since there will be many of these stories, the order in which one reads them will effect one's view on the other stories individually. This will not be a series in the traditional sense.

Consider this: Since the reader's feelings about one will effect their feelings about the others, there will be many different reactions to the same stories, depending on the order one reads them. One's understanding will change as the result of considering each story in light of the others. One person might read volume six, then two, then one, then four, and the keystone. That person will have a completely different reaction than someone who reads volume one, then two, then the keystone, then five, then seven. The reader will bring themes from the other stories into each of the additional stories, and this will effect the understanding of the stories on the whole. In other words, you can create drastically different paintings using the same paints.

In all honesty, I don't know that much about Rich's personal life just yet. This will require some serious thinking, and it could take a while. It is still dawning on me who the Richard Pruitt is exactly. The first two parts will help us to understand him as a human being; the third part will shed light on his true humanity but also exhibit his downfall. On one hand, Pruitt will survive in an arena in which he has more to lose but, on the other hand, his demise results from a situation when he should feel mostly secure. The reader will love me for helping Rich get through a terrible predicament, then hate me for killing him off at the end.

For now, I must fill in the blanks of the first section. Strangely, I am apprehensive about shaping my notes into prose. During the planning stage, the story is mine to do with as I please. But once I start properly composing, I will be forced to relinquish control over the story, and it will take on a life of its own. It will be a bit of a sad day, like sending your kids off to school for the first time.

Friday, December 02, 2005

A Thousand Words

"We're both screwed, Raffy. Let's not talk about it any more."

Eerie

Thursday, December 01, 2005

"PNPC," or "Pat's New Patriotic Crusade"

I'm a big fan of the acronym. I have hundreds of them, for everything: friends, locales, activities, everything.

I passed the time during my daily trip to and from Wisco this summer by making up phrases for the letters I saw on license plates. (When 3 hours in a car every day starts to drive you slightly batty, this ritual begins to seem normal.) For example, I once passed a really old guy who was hogging up the left lane on the tollway. His license plate was "ASD 943." So as I flew past him, I rolled down the window and yelled, "Hey, Ancient Slow Dick 943! When are you gonna pull your head out of your ass?!" He didn't hear me, but I gave myself a great big "Aw snap!" anyway. I can't remember any other license plate acronyms at the moment, but some of them were pretty funny.

Though I am a big fan of acronyms in general, "RSVP" annoys the living hell out of me. I can never remember whether the "R" stands for reservations, regards, regrets, or what. What's wrong with, "Please let us know if you plan on attending?" Doesn't that get the job done? So it takes two or three seconds more to type or write out a direct question. If you've already taken the time to plan a gathering worthy of an invitation, you ought to be more concerned with directness than with saving a couple of seconds.

All right, I can see how for a wedding invitation or something important, you might want to go with "RSVP," because French phrases lend a formal air to things. Why, then, do people use this phrase for strictly casual gatherings? For example, I got an email today about a Villanova alumni party for Saturday's game against Oklahoma. Why the hell did that warrant an "RSVP?" Everybody knows it's just drinking beer, eating buffalo wings, and watching a basketball game at a bar. Why associate any trace of formality with that? He could have just said, "Let me know if you're stopping by," or "Let me know if you can't come," and everybody would be on the same page.

Another thing: I get annoyed when people write, "Please RSVP" or "RSVP Please," because they expressed the "please" portion twice. "Please let us know if you're coming to the party please," or "Let us know if you're not coming to the party please please," or whatever the hell "RSVP" means. I''m not saying that this gaffe makes them ignorant or worthless; the fault lies with one of today's dumbest social customs. "RSVP" can kiss my ass.

After nearly 230 years, I think that we're old enough as a country to have a party response phrase of our own invention, particularly for casual events. Accordingly, I encourage you to email your members of Congress and ask them to adopt a measure designating the national party response phrase for casual happenings as: "AYC," or "Are You Coming." With all this division over the Iraq War, and thousands of Christmas party invites being prepared, "AYC" could become this year's number one, easily supportable, wholly unimportant something that rallies the entire country around a non-issue.

Best of all, if the "AYC" crusade proves successful, it will have the residual effect of really pissing off the French, and nothing brings people together quite like pissing off the French, especially when it comes to severely inane things. The party response phrase is primarily a cultural phenomenon, and we're all aware of the fact that the French--in spite of their crumbled empire and faded influence over global politics--still feel as though they are the final word on all things cultural. So, some French culture minister will appear on Fox News to defend "RSVP" as the superlative party response phrase, and Bill O'Reilly will put an end to the Frenchman's moaning with a smug, "Go piss out a bus fire, you frog fuck." Then, President Bush will lead us in setting off a bunch of fireworks, we'll all get really loaded, and it'll be awesome.

Believe it or not, this post started out life as a two-line "Random Thought of the Day" entry.

And for your information: Yeah, I am wrapped in an American flag right now--Madonna-style.