Gear

Would somebody please tell me what the fuck this thing is?

The new spring training gear looks like bush league dog shit. Is there anything sillier than a hulking 6'4" pitcher dressed up like a Little Leaguer? I'm thinking specifically of Zambrano. I'll spare you a picture.

This stuff actually makes coaches -- already dumpy, fat, old guys -- look even more out of place than they usually do in a sports arena, but this takes it to a completely new and disturbing level -- it's very "oh fuck, grandpa overdosed on Oxycontin and got into the paint again." Notice how Sweet Lou has opted not to wear the gay new uniform. My first kudos of what I hope to be many, Skip.


Maybe this is part of some master MLB marketing plan: Bud "the Dud" Selig wakes up from a nap, grabs the phone, and goes, "Hey, never-ending go-to guy, Frank Robinson! We need to draw attention to practice. Any thoughts?" And poor old Frank, incensed at the prospect of being dragged out of retirement for the hundredth time, sighs and says, "Come up with ugly, random, spring-only uniforms. That way the fans will pray for the start of the regular season and the return to the normal gear. Now please stop calling me, you shriveled-up old penis." And Bud replies, "Great idea! Real quick though: Do you know anyone who's an expert on awkward stripes and inverted color schemes? Hello? Hello? Damn! That's the fifth time he's hung up on me today."

Not only are these uniforms ugly and destined to disappear in a month, these hats and the rest of the spring crap are actually marked up from the regular gear. They're charging a premium to look like an idiot, and you know people will line up to do so. What a racket.

If I see anyone I know wearing this shit, I will mock them in public until they cry, wait for them to get their shit together, and then continue to make fun of them. But that should go without saying. Seamus, you've been forewarned.

So, a fie on thee, heinous spring unis! As though I needed another reason to wish Opening Day was tomorrow.